


Who I Used To Be

by AGreySunset



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Alternate Universe - 1980s, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Human, Depression, F/F, Flashbacks, Heavy Angst, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, One Shot, Past Child Abuse, Period-Typical Homophobia, Physical Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Defense, Suicide, Swearing, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-03
Updated: 2017-12-03
Packaged: 2019-02-10 06:41:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12906315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AGreySunset/pseuds/AGreySunset
Summary: The students don't avoid them out of respect, or admiration. People are disgusted by their love, their relationship. Unholy, demonic, immoral, wrong, all words they hear.But not to their face.At this school, Jasper and Lapis are left alone because they, they are feared.Simple and true.





	Who I Used To Be

It wasn't anything at first.

Lapis remembers that moment.

She doesn't think she will ever forget. Could ever forget.

She hops onto the railing, feet dangling over the water, leans back and lets memories flood over her...

She put her cup down, spitting out the crap punch. It was bitter, and fake! Get some achohol, beer, at least. This is a high school party, right? She didn't know what she was expecting coming here, to a school dance. She sighed, throwing her cup away, red liquid sloshing, and looking up.

In the doorway, a girl stood. She easily surpassed two meters, towering over everything. She has to duck slightly to get through the door. Her wine red tank top shows her stomach, tanned abs. Her pale blonde hair curls, falling, moving all one its one, finally ending near her waist. 

She turns, revealing a toothy smile and dark, mocha eyes. She exhales, looking around the room. Her dark skin revealed hispanic heritage, but light stripes ran through, contrasting her black leather jacket reaches her waist,

She walks over to the table Lapis stands at, slow confident, grinning.

"Has anybody here even heard the word 'fun'." The sixteen year old teen sneers, glancing at Lapis. Her hand lazily points at the room.

"I don't think that's in their vocabulary." She responded, stuttering slightly. Great comeback, she chided herself.

"Good point." She laughs softly, and leans back, against the table. "Jasper. You?"

"My given name is Azure, but I prefer Lapis Lazuli." She mutters, smiling. Jasper runs her hand through her hair, sleeking it back. It's clear it has gel in it. The hair parts, going two directions. She chuckles.

"What is it with this town and gemstones?" 

"I don't know. Maybe something in the water."

Jasper howls, coarse and ragged laughter piercing. "Says the girl who's been on the swim team since the first grade."

"It was third grade, actually." She smiles cockily.

"Great. I needed to know that. So, what instrument do you play? I've seen you in the band room."

"Violin. Sad and emo, just like me. Blue is my spirit color." 

"Here, then." Jasper dropped a thick, soft blue ribbon in Lapis's palm, the ribbon being at least a meter long.

"Why are you oh, so sad?" She put her hand on Lapis's waist, ever so subtly.

"Wouldn't you like to know?"

"Oh, secretive, too. I know your true colors."

"That I'm a sad, secretive, dramatic teen?" She stares into Jasper's cinnamon irises.

"I didn't say dramatic."

"I go to an all-female high school. It's a given." She snarks, pointing around.

"Why are your eyes blue?"

"What?" The question is random, unforeseen.

"You're Hawaiian, right? Polynesian's don't have blue eyes."

"Half. My father. I guess I'm just unique." Lapis slowly leans forward, and Jasper does to, much faster. They're eyes meet, and Lapis knows the attraction blooming through her is mutual.

Lapis blinks coming to her senses.

"Not here." She whispers, pulling away. Whatever you could call this corner of rual Jersey, liberal was not it.

"Want to blow this party? I know somewhere we can be alone." She knows this girl likes her, and she likes her, so she isn't sure how innocent that is.

But Lapis doesn't want it to be innocent.

She takes the muscled hand, letting herself be lead away.

\---

They're outside, and it's warm, but raining. The rain is fat and slow, soaking everything.

They're in the forest, under a tall pine, still green. Most of the trees, oaks, have shed their leaves, carpeting the ground in a rainbow. Rivers of water run through them, making a web of places to avoid, a minefield of puddles.

She looks at Jasper, who smiles back. They both blush, looking away. But, she can't hold herself back. She tugs on the arm of the mysterious girl, who glance at her.

Her face presses against Jasper's, lips meeting, and before she thinks, her hands are in her long, blonde locks. Warmth fills her, and she moves her head, greedy for more. But not now. She takes a deep steadying breath and pulls away slowly.

Jasper is smiling, calm and content.

"Glad you're a lesbian." Jasper purrs, wrapping her arms around her waist, pulling Lapis close. Their shared heat keeps them warm, despite autumn sudden chill. Jasper sits down on a rotting log, and Lapis stays close, sitting on her lap. The only thing is, she's facing Jasper.

"Same here." Jasper grabs the bottom of her dress, playing with the fabric.

"I like your dress." Lapis looks down, frowning. The pink dress shows her back, small braided spaghetti straps holding it up. The pink fabric reaches her knees, folding and sticking out. The worst part is the large purple bow at her waist.

"I don't." The words are simple, honest, true to the point. Somewhat blunt, but that's just her.

"Then why are you wearing it?"

"My mother. She doesn't want anything from perfection from her daughter, so she sent her to and all-girl, private school. She makes her wear pink dresses, and combs her hair, making sure she does her homework." Lapis spits, looking down.

"My father left when I was child, leaving my mom, Pink Diamond, alone. So when she died, I got adopted by a woman, Yellow Diamond, who I haven't seen in months. She's always at work. It's simple, she covers my college and leaves me alone, I do jobs for her."

"Sounds like we both have pretty screwed up lives." Jasper pulls Lapis in for another kiss, who doesn't resist. Quite the opposite, actually. Jasper picks her up, and Lapis wraps her legs around her waist, arms around her neck.

\---

She wraps the hair tie around the end of the braid, securing it.

"What does it look like?" Jasper scratches her neck, trying to see. The French braid Lapis just finished is clean and neat, but unseeable to the bearer of the braids.

"I'll take a mental picture of it for you." She laughs, squinting hard at Jasper.

"Do you have a Polaroid?" Jasper questions, running her hands over her hair.

"I am not wasting a Polaroid on this. Go to the damn mirror if you want to see." Lapis leans back, lying on the grass.

"I will. First, though, I've been meaning to ask you something. It's ... important." Jasper looks at Lapis, who as her eyes closed, calm and content.

"You're mom's been abusive since your Dad died, doing all sorts of fucked up shit. I'm not even gonna talk about the mirrors. I really think-"

"Where would I even go? I don't want to live under a bridge as a hobo for the rest of my life." Lapis gestured around with one arm pointlessly.

"Then don't. Come with me. Move in. My apartment could fit both of us." Jasper looked at her, eyes scared but thrilled. She twirled the extra hairband around her fingers.

Lapis shot up. "Are you serious?"

"Of course. Tonight, pack. Tommorow, frrreeee." Jasper whispered, pulling Lapis close.

Running away.

It was tempting, living with her girlfriend, the woman she'd been head over heels in love with for a month now. Watching Audrey Hepburn on VHS well after midnight, kissing on long walks in the moonlight, coming home and doing more than kissing.

It sounded utopian.

But if Blue Diamond found her...

It was worth it.

It had to be.

She leaned into Jasper, sitting in her lap, watching as her breath rose in the cold evening. Jasper's oversized gray and black plaid jacket covered both of them, wrapped warm and tight, like a swaddled baby.

"Yes."

\---

"Hey, dyke!" Sky screeches across the hall, as Harley, Erica, and Felicity giggle maniacly.

"Wait up, butch! Lebby?" The gaggle sprints, surrounding her on all sides. 

"What did Jasper's vag taste like? Your mother's dissapointment? Can't believe you just ran off, dyke." 

She clicked her tounge, her straight black hair reaches her shoulders, moving as she cocks her head, stepping forward towards Lapis. Her black skirt barely reaches her legs before ending, green shirt showing her bra.

"It tasted better than whoever's STD infected dick was in your mouth last night. Oh, yeah! What's the Korean word for 'slut'?" Lapis responded calmly, trying to push out of the circle. Sky hisses.

"Get a life, or a boyfriend! Homo sex's disgusting and fake." Erica steps toward her, snarling.

"No more so than your 'blonde' hair or 'natural' tan. Get out of my way."

Harley steps forward, with her twin, Felicity. They match, same long, limp brown hair, red blouse, purple leggings. "Why?" They ask in sync, pushing her slightly.

"What did you say about me being a slut earlier?" Sky steps up again, red platforms clinking against the floor.

She can't handle it anymore.

Lapis grabs Sky, throwing her back into the locker with a mettalic thud, elbow pressed against her neck. The other three bitches step back in sheer shock. 

"I think I misspoke. You're not a slut, you're a penny. Two faced, worthless, and in everybody's pants. Leave me the hell alone!" She pressed into Sky's neck, who struggled, coughing and squirming. She scowled at her, then let her go. The girl rubbed her neck, gasping for air.

Lapis just walked away, slowly, enjoying the whispers of awe.

Jasper appears out of the girl's bathroom, pulling her into a tight hug.

"What happened, babe?" Her arm goes comfortably over Lapis's shoulder.

"Nothing, hun. Today was preeettttyyy boring." She snuggles with the warmer girl, savoring this moment.

\---

At that point, Lapis was completly sure moving in with Jasper was the best decision she'd made in her life. Her mother, who lived in Empire City, wanted nothing to do with after Lapis came out as a lesbian, called her a bastard, and ran off with her girlfriend.

But none of that mattered.

Because, the Lapis Lazuli that listened to her was dead.

Now, Lapis stood tall. She watched as the fire danced and licked at the wood, and she picked the last dress of the pile, throwing it in. The magenta cloth caught, and the fire roared upwards, as the dress turned black. She watched slowly as she cut off the last tie to her past.

It felt good.

She ran her hands through her newly dyed cobalt hair, covered partially by a ice blue beanie, her favorite colors. Her tight, black and blue shirt sags, revealing her tan shoulders and white bra straps. Her faded denim jeans were tucked into knee high, black leather boots. To finish it off, she has a choker, black and intricate, with blue spikes.

But just for her, she has a blue ribbon tied on her wrist.

At her side, Jasper stood, only lower due to her standing on an old shopping cart. She wears a black leather jacket, and a dark blood red sports bra, which wrapped around her neck and back. Her dark, sleet gray pants with silver splotches contrasted her brown lace-up worker boots.

For the first time in her life, she feels accepted. 

Loved.

Wanted.

\---

She loves it. 

She walks confidently, arms linked with Jasper, down the hall. Kids rush out of their way, not wanting to be an inconvienience to them. Mutters followed them, indiscreet glances, pointed fingers. All attempts to point them out were obvious, despite their peers efforts.

The students don't avoid them out of respect, or admiration. People are disgusted by their love, their relationship. Unholy, demonic, immoral, wrong, all words they hear. 

But not to their face.

At this school, Jasper and Lapis are left alone because they, they are feared. 

Simple and true.

And they've earned being left alone. They made it clear they were opponents, not victims. That was nessceary, intelligent self preservation. 

They earned their names, earned being legends at Beach City High School.

Lapis especially proved herself, she had been tested, being the weak link in the relationship.

Or so they thought.

Lapis remembers that night, scarcely a week ago.

 

The incident had left her with a small bruise, scars that would heal, but an immortal reputation as the Water Witch.

She had been walking to the apartment from band practice, exhausted by the humid, sticky night. It seemed to grow, air sluggishly moving without a breeze. 

She blinked at a painfully bright, sickly yellow light coming from a street lamp. One of the few in this 'bad' part of Jersey City that hasn't been vandalized. The rundown, old, brick building in which they rented a room was far, far from the rich Beach City suburb they go to school at.

She stepped into an alley, sandwiched between an old bank and marijuana joint and bar. She peered around. Alone. Good. The alley is a shortcut, rather than walking for an extra half hour, but shady figures might lie in wait.

But tonight, she's weary from work, even after going to band as a pick me up. She doesn't pay as much attention as she should.

Which is the very reason she doesn't notice the three silouttes at the end of the alley.

And she isn't looking forward to resolve this morning's argument. Jasper had been right, but she didn't need to shove it in her face. But still, she overreacted. It hadn't been much. Just a few dollars spent needlessly, she reminds herself. 

But when they have so little, squandering it is irresponsible, and on a champane bottle at that! Illegal, and wasteful. No special ocassion was coming up, no anniversaries, no birthdays, nothing.

Still, Jasper was right. She shouldn't have yelled. She lost her temper-

She was slammed into the wall, rough hands pushing and pinning her down, as she thrashes. She looks into the eyes of her three attackers.

Two seniors she knows only as the 'wrestling jocks', the asses on Jasper's county team, flank her. She's seen them around, one tall and a curly redhead, the other comically short with a limp mop of brown. They let go of her arms, but stay close, trapping her.

Liam, the most built, stands in the middle, and grabs the collar of her shirt, twisting it. He pulls Lapis forward, grabbing her face.

"Stay away from Jasper. We don't want her affiliated with your type!" Liam whispers in her ear, pressing something cold and metal to Lapis's midsection.

"Hate to break it to you, but just because she breaks up with me, doesn't mean she's not a-" Lapis is cut off as Liam let's go, pushing her back, then pinning her arms behind her back. Lapis finds herself turned around, face pressed against the warm, wet concrete wall. She coughs out some blood, injured slightly by her attackers.

"She is not a lesbian, you here-" Liam raises the knife, but Lapis uses her leg, kicking his knee from behind, as she slams her head against his. He falls with a loud thud to the cracked cement, gravel and dust spraying up from the impact.

Lapis grabs the knife, whirling around and tensing as the redhead runs toward her. She side steps at the last moment, and as he thundered by, she lodged the blade into his left shoulder. He cries out in pain, grabbing the wound. She kicks him in the crotch for good measure.

Mophead comes up, charging at her. He's small, but quick. She can't dodge him.

He raises his fist and feigns going for her chest and she blocks, but his fist slams into her nose, sending her tumbling back.

But she grabs his sleeve, dragging him down, and he comes crashing with her. His head slams into a rock, and with an awful scraping, he goes still. 

But she can hear him breathing.

All of them breathing.

She freezes.

What did she do?

She sits there for several seconds, moments fat and slow, watching in horror and the pools of blood mixed with the condensation from the humidity. The diluted blood then thinned, running through cracks in the gray stone, like little rivers of crimson.

Before she can process it, she grabs her wallet and violin case, stepping over bodies, and is running.

She runs like a fire's underneath her, terrified and scared.

What did she do?

\---

"What's this?" Jasper scrolled through Lapis's text, reading something. "Who's Amanda? Why do you have her phone number?" She grabbed Lapis's arms as she walked in from the bathroom. Lapis pushes her hand off.

"Chill off, she's just from band. Plays the trombone. We're friends. Nothing more." She sat on the edge of the bed, taking off her towel.

"Well, I don't like her. Stop talking to her." Lapis starts getting dressed, but stops, only with undergarments on.

"You aren't my mom!" She walks out, slamming the door.

Things had been off for awhile.

Jasper and her have been living together for months, nearly a year. They've been dating for over one year now, sleeping together for just as long.

But things have been off. Aggressive. It wasn't like it was in the beginning. Some of the time, sure, but then things got tense. Irritable remarks, stress through the roof, small arguments, and cold behavior.

And something would go wrong. She would yell, Jasper would push, they would both insult, it turned to crap. 

But all relationships were like that.

Still, the calm had been getting less and less. She feels like as stress rises with approaching finals, they've been pushed apart. She felt like their relationship had becoming bickering, attacking, apologizing, fucking. Repeat. 

She would get through it though. She needed to be patient, loving, calm. She pushed open the door to the closet, and then went dead still.

"Shit..."

The orange towel lay in a crumpled ball on the floor, cast aside haphazardly.

Which meant the full sized mirror in the corner was fully visible.

She stared at her reflection, gulping. Jasper, why did you forget to cover it? She feels panic rise in her throat, and she tries to breathe, to slow her heartbeat...

Lapis collapsed onto the floor, curling into a ball. Memories flood back, hot iron branded into her psyce.

She remembered, no, felt the sharp sting over her cheek as her mother slapped it, and grabbed her arm. 

She felt the friction burn as she was dragged across the carpet.

She felt panic rise in her throat, as she tried to scream to beg. She didn't want to go back. Words scratch her throat as pleas crawl out. 'Anywhere but there', 'No', 'Please', 'I'll be better.'

Despite her attempts, her mother opens the door, pushing her in and slamming the door shut. She closed her eyes, running to the door and pounding.

"No..." She sobs, voice a whisper. 

She looks around in the attic. Every surface, the floor, the ceiling the walls, are covered in glass, reflecting everything, including each other. The only exception is the boxes of cereal, macaroni, and canned foods in one corner.

"Not again..." She cried. "Not again."

...

She phased back to reality, feeling like a ghost, only half there. She stood up, throwing open the door with a slam, and storming into the kitchen, where she heard Jasper humming.

"Jasper! Why the fuck didn't you cover the mirror!" Lapis stormed in, face contorted from crying.

"It's been a year. I thought you could try to deal with it." Jasper put the lid on the pasta she was cooking.

"I just had a panic attack, and you tell me to get over it?!" Lapis spat, standing back, disgusted.

"I said deal with it, but yeah, you should get over-" Jasper turned around, right as Lapis's fist made contact with her nose.

And then again. Lapis punched her three times, knuckle slamming into cartilage. Jasper made a roaring noise, pushing Lapis into the counter. The shorter girl falls to the floor, as Jasper holds her bleeding nose.

Lapis stood up, running out of the kitchen, but Jasper grabs the back of her shirt, pressing her face first into the counter. Lapis's blue tattoo of a water drop on her left shoulder was revealed by her top, literally a bra, as Jasper grabbed a knife.

The Latino girl held her girlfriend down, on the counter.

"What did you do that for, bitch?!" She growled as Lapis struggled. Jasper brought the knife to her skin, carving a teardrop scar in her back. 

Jasper finally let her go, and the girl picked a black summer dress of the floor, shoving it on before running out of the apartment.

\---

The memories were bittersweet, tainted with guilt and want. Especially the most recent.

It had been one week ago.

She wasn't going back to Jasper.

She should have seen it before, that it was unhealthy and that it fed itself. All her relationships have been like that. 

All meaningful ones anyway.

Those fake friends, the ones with hair extensions, makeup, sitting around, giggling at boys. Those were a different species than her. A species untainted by darkness, and she was jealous of that. They had parents who loved them, siblings, money, a house. A future.

Her mother had been one-sided verbal, emotional, and physical abuse. Beatings, spanking, throwing, screaming. She remembered years spent using make up to hide bruises, scars, cuts. Years spent sweeping up the vase that had been aimed for her head. Being shouted at to stop eating, tie your corset tighter, put on some make up.

And when ever she did something wrong, anything bad, it got worse. She would be beaten, usually with a belt, then dragged by her hair to the attic. The mirrors, some twisted torture, that still had scars. But these, these were invisible. These were on her, not her body. She had learned those two were distinctly different.

All this, because she was out of line, she deserved it, to needed to be self- sufficient.

Jasper, who had loved her, in the beggining. But that turned to hate, and flamed into abuse. That had been physical, pushing, grabbing, pushing, slapping, and sexual rarely. Nothing really bad, just not taking no for an answer when it came to having sex. It had been terryfing in the moment, the first time, but eventually, she just went along with it. 

But the physical had been more personal, oddly. It wasn't a animalistic urge to fuck, it was a vendetta. When she lost her temper. When Lapis fucked up. It was her karma, the sign to back off. Because, though Jasper might take it to far, she never, ever hit first.

As much as she hated it, she had started the arguments. She had been the one yelling, the one that that fanned the flames. 

She never could have been a good person. She was a monster. Simple as that. After she put Liam and those bastards in the hospital, that became clear. Blue had seen that early on, and tried to hide that side. But she let it fester, grow right under the surface, raw passion.

So when Jasper came along, she had latched on, desperate for love. But she couldn't handle a healthy, personal relationship. And when things got rough, she put up her shields. It stopped being personal, and she became Jasper's sex toy, and Jasper was her whipping post. All that hate, that rage, those emotions...

They had all left.

She felt gut wrenching emptiness. She didn't know what was worse, an entropy of emotions, or lack of completely.

And all that, that was why she was here. 

That was why, at five a clock in the morning, she was sitting on the ledge, looking into the dark, inky waters. She was out in Keystone, in the middle of the forest, looking out into the bay. The bridge she sat on was concrete and metal, cold, stiff, apathetic.

She perched, quite dangerously on the railing, staring down.

At least ten stories... That's plenty.

She stands on top of the railing, feet planted sturdily. 

She pulls a small, azure ribbon out of her back pocket, and ties it to her wrist.

A reminder. For whatever's next, if anything.

Lapis Lazuli looks up, at the twinkling heavens stretched above her. She leans forward, feet leaving their place, floor becoming air. The entire time, she stares at the brightest star she can find, and realizes she feels something.

Joy.

Seconds before she strikes the water, it hits her.

With this unblocked view of the sky, without the ground or horizon, this free joy warming her body, and this weightlessness...

She can almost convince herself that she's  
f

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**Author's Note:**

> Wow.
> 
> I've written fluff and angst before, but this is my first time writing dark tragedy. And boy, did it get real. Oh, and yes, Lapis is dead. Like, completly. 
> 
> My only problem with this is Lapis and Jasper where a little OOC, but it's my first time writing them in human settings.
> 
> I might revist and revise this piece, it was rushed because I'm working on something else for this fandom. Speaking of that, if anyone minds betaing a really gay fanfic, I have an opening. Steven Universe competence required.


End file.
